I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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