I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
