you would pick up someone in the library
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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