I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
