when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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