He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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