Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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