she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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