Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
