Four minutes until I can fart!
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
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I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
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The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
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