Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize