fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize