you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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