Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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