dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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