I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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