Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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