You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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