Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
