So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
