I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
