You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
