i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
