I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Every concussion has its silver lining
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
