Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
4 words: hood of his car
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
