Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
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Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
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But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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