How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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