we have officially lost it.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
