I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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