The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
