Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
