my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
