a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
