You don't have asthma, your pregnant
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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