Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
