dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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