he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You are a genius and a whore.
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