dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
