I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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