I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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