you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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