you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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