Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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