in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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