I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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