You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Two words: blizzard sex
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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