the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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