I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
