the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
a search helicopter?!
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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