you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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