a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Girls should come with a carfax report
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
