Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
