I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
