The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
