I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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