Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
