how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
My vagina just clenched in fear
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
