she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
