She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
