Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
