I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
